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Drunken ramblings.
Dec. 21st, 2003 12:03 amWarning, negativeity ahead.
Just left the local club early, as someone I've fancied for a long time, but haven't seen for a while, showed up. Thing is, she not only already has a boyfriend, but looks on me as a kind of older brother figure, and so that's a complete non-starter.
I am singularly poor at dealing with problems that cannot be solved by doing something. I recieve advice on this sort of area, and, if I judge it reasonable, based on my experiences and operations, I try and put it into practise. But how do you try to not try? How can I tell myself not to care, when the fact that I care about other people is so central to my personality?
I sometimes feel I'm just living in the wrong world- things that seem so simple to me, other people have so much trouble with, and yet things that others seem to do effortlessly or instinctively seem impossible to me.
And so another year rolls round with me no further on one of the few things that matter to me.
I know the negativity doesn't help, but I deal very badly with loneliness, and it's only getting worse as more and more of my friends find their significant others and spend more and more time with them and other couples. Not that I blame them- who wants to have an odd man out at a social gathering. And that's me- the odd man out- whether through interests, social/relationship state, values that I live by, or whatever, I seem to always be the odd one out.
I don't want to be alone.
And yet I have many friends- most of whom turn to me for advice, which I dispense where absolutely necessary, or more often just listen and let them come to their own conclusions. So if I can solve many of the weighty issues that everyone around me seems to have, then what is wrong with me that I can't fix my own.
I can only come to the conclusion that my personality is simple too unattractive- exacerbated by my feeling depressed about it.
Which is the problem, as I'm sure, rationally, that the above conclusion is erroneous, but my subconscious seems to believe it.
And with each passing year, hope dies a little more. There is a whole part of life that I'm missing out on, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it- except do nothing, which I'm not very good at at all.
I dunno.
Just left the local club early, as someone I've fancied for a long time, but haven't seen for a while, showed up. Thing is, she not only already has a boyfriend, but looks on me as a kind of older brother figure, and so that's a complete non-starter.
I am singularly poor at dealing with problems that cannot be solved by doing something. I recieve advice on this sort of area, and, if I judge it reasonable, based on my experiences and operations, I try and put it into practise. But how do you try to not try? How can I tell myself not to care, when the fact that I care about other people is so central to my personality?
I sometimes feel I'm just living in the wrong world- things that seem so simple to me, other people have so much trouble with, and yet things that others seem to do effortlessly or instinctively seem impossible to me.
And so another year rolls round with me no further on one of the few things that matter to me.
I know the negativity doesn't help, but I deal very badly with loneliness, and it's only getting worse as more and more of my friends find their significant others and spend more and more time with them and other couples. Not that I blame them- who wants to have an odd man out at a social gathering. And that's me- the odd man out- whether through interests, social/relationship state, values that I live by, or whatever, I seem to always be the odd one out.
I don't want to be alone.
And yet I have many friends- most of whom turn to me for advice, which I dispense where absolutely necessary, or more often just listen and let them come to their own conclusions. So if I can solve many of the weighty issues that everyone around me seems to have, then what is wrong with me that I can't fix my own.
I can only come to the conclusion that my personality is simple too unattractive- exacerbated by my feeling depressed about it.
Which is the problem, as I'm sure, rationally, that the above conclusion is erroneous, but my subconscious seems to believe it.
And with each passing year, hope dies a little more. There is a whole part of life that I'm missing out on, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it- except do nothing, which I'm not very good at at all.
I dunno.
