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Drunken ramblings.
Warning, negativeity ahead.
Just left the local club early, as someone I've fancied for a long time, but haven't seen for a while, showed up. Thing is, she not only already has a boyfriend, but looks on me as a kind of older brother figure, and so that's a complete non-starter.
I am singularly poor at dealing with problems that cannot be solved by doing something. I recieve advice on this sort of area, and, if I judge it reasonable, based on my experiences and operations, I try and put it into practise. But how do you try to not try? How can I tell myself not to care, when the fact that I care about other people is so central to my personality?
I sometimes feel I'm just living in the wrong world- things that seem so simple to me, other people have so much trouble with, and yet things that others seem to do effortlessly or instinctively seem impossible to me.
And so another year rolls round with me no further on one of the few things that matter to me.
I know the negativity doesn't help, but I deal very badly with loneliness, and it's only getting worse as more and more of my friends find their significant others and spend more and more time with them and other couples. Not that I blame them- who wants to have an odd man out at a social gathering. And that's me- the odd man out- whether through interests, social/relationship state, values that I live by, or whatever, I seem to always be the odd one out.
I don't want to be alone.
And yet I have many friends- most of whom turn to me for advice, which I dispense where absolutely necessary, or more often just listen and let them come to their own conclusions. So if I can solve many of the weighty issues that everyone around me seems to have, then what is wrong with me that I can't fix my own.
I can only come to the conclusion that my personality is simple too unattractive- exacerbated by my feeling depressed about it.
Which is the problem, as I'm sure, rationally, that the above conclusion is erroneous, but my subconscious seems to believe it.
And with each passing year, hope dies a little more. There is a whole part of life that I'm missing out on, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it- except do nothing, which I'm not very good at at all.
I dunno.
Just left the local club early, as someone I've fancied for a long time, but haven't seen for a while, showed up. Thing is, she not only already has a boyfriend, but looks on me as a kind of older brother figure, and so that's a complete non-starter.
I am singularly poor at dealing with problems that cannot be solved by doing something. I recieve advice on this sort of area, and, if I judge it reasonable, based on my experiences and operations, I try and put it into practise. But how do you try to not try? How can I tell myself not to care, when the fact that I care about other people is so central to my personality?
I sometimes feel I'm just living in the wrong world- things that seem so simple to me, other people have so much trouble with, and yet things that others seem to do effortlessly or instinctively seem impossible to me.
And so another year rolls round with me no further on one of the few things that matter to me.
I know the negativity doesn't help, but I deal very badly with loneliness, and it's only getting worse as more and more of my friends find their significant others and spend more and more time with them and other couples. Not that I blame them- who wants to have an odd man out at a social gathering. And that's me- the odd man out- whether through interests, social/relationship state, values that I live by, or whatever, I seem to always be the odd one out.
I don't want to be alone.
And yet I have many friends- most of whom turn to me for advice, which I dispense where absolutely necessary, or more often just listen and let them come to their own conclusions. So if I can solve many of the weighty issues that everyone around me seems to have, then what is wrong with me that I can't fix my own.
I can only come to the conclusion that my personality is simple too unattractive- exacerbated by my feeling depressed about it.
Which is the problem, as I'm sure, rationally, that the above conclusion is erroneous, but my subconscious seems to believe it.
And with each passing year, hope dies a little more. There is a whole part of life that I'm missing out on, and there seems to be nothing I can do about it- except do nothing, which I'm not very good at at all.
I dunno.
no subject
I know... I end most all my most pained posts with "I dunno".
I remember being lonely.
It bites, and there's nothing anyone can say to you to make it feel less like eating horse dung.
I hope someone appreciative of you comes around soon.
no subject
Maybe it is us, in the way that we are at the wrong place, the wrong time. We meet the wrong people, who we don't totally mesh with socially. Everyone is unique- but not that unique. There are always people who we click with. The difficult part is finding them. And for you as a straight person it's always less hard than for me, and even *I* got some action last year (not a lot, but a little bit. ;) ). I think you just need to come across as independent to be attractive; experienced to experience.. You needn't be it. Just act like it. I think that'll help.
Maybe you should put your add on a few dating sites, meet people that way, no pressure. Perhaps that'll help get your self worth in order. Get a theme-tune :)
Enormous reply (1)
*smile* - Never seen that from a friend before. :-)
> Just left the local club early, as someone I've fancied for a
> long time, but haven't seen for a while, showed up. Thing is, she
> not only already has a boyfriend, but looks on me as a kind of
> older brother figure, and so that's a complete non-starter.
Oh yes. Common enough in 'trustworthy' menfolk like you and I. Especially with younger women (from my age any women under 25 is 'young').
If you're up to having a good laugh at the stupid situations that arise (and I know them well - I was in love with one of my best friends for almost 5 years) have a read of this:
http://www.wizard.net/~joelogon/platonic/index.html
> I am singularly poor at dealing with problems that cannot be
> solved by doing something.
I'm the same. I was displaying that with impressive lack of understanding to
> I recieve advice on this sort of area, and, if I judge it
> reasonable, based on my experiences and operations, I try and put
> it into practise. But how do you try to not try?
Very Zen.
> How can I tell myself not to care, when the fact that I care
> about other people is so central to my personality?
Of course you do. People respect and trust you but yet somehow the girls you like are more interested in the other (lesser) guys. Ever considered this simple notion? You're in the right and they're in the wrong? Probably the main (subconcious obviously) reason that these girls you like don't like you in that way is because you are mature, sensitive and caring and what they are after, at least for now, is simply a good time. In short you're more mature, socially speaking, than they are.
> I sometimes feel I'm just living in the wrong world- things that > seem so simple to me, other people have so much trouble with, and
> yet things that others seem to do effortlessly or instinctively
> seem impossible to me.
It's an anilitical / emotional thing. Complex things seem easy and "seemingly" easy things (such as incredable complex inter-personal dynamics) don't come as easy to you as they seem to to other people. Oftentimes this is because they simply don't mind getting it wrong. Being hurt isn't so bad if you're after someone else next week. If someone like you (or I) really cares about a person then that person not feeling the same is a Big Thing so dealing with them is suddenly that much more complicated.
> And so another year rolls round with me no further on one of the
> few things that matter to me.
*smile* - You remind me so much of me when I was younger (no offence, I'm just old) ;-)
I has my first relationship at 24. I probably could have had ones earlier but finding someone I respected who felt the same way about me was hard. Call me picky but it's worth waiting - *shrug*.
> I know the negativity doesn't help, but I deal very badly with
> loneliness, and it's only getting worse as more and more of my
> friends find their significant others and spend more and more
> time with them and other couples.
Happens. Until 8 weeks ago I had been single for well over two years. Then
> Not that I blame them- who wants to have an odd man out at a
> social gathering. And that's me- the odd man out- whether through
> interests, social/relationship state, values that I live by, or
> whatever, I seem to always be the odd one out.
Then you might need to stop believing that one set of friends can fit in all the things you're into. More likely it's a pro-active pushing-away of folk (sorry to go all psycho-babble on you) so people can't hurt you. Nothing wrong with that in moderation.
> I don't want to be alone.
You're not. You have, I'm sure, a lot of people who care about you. I know this isn't what you mean but it's a start. For myself it's the core of life and everything builds out from it.
> And yet I have many friends- most of whom turn to me for advice,
> which I dispense where absolutely necessary, or more often just
> listen and let them come to their own conclusions.
Enormous reply (1)
http://www.9types.com/rheti/homepage.actual.html
(Not that I believe in that stuff but the concept is interesting.
> So if I can solve many of the weighty issues that everyone around
> me seems to have, then what is wrong with me that I can't fix my
> own.
Becuase you are too close to them. You want something too much and it's projecting.
> I can only come to the conclusion that my personality is simple
> too unattractive- exacerbated by my feeling depressed about it.
From what I've read of your LJ your personality is no better or worse than 95% of my friends. The depression isn't good but that's transitory.
> Which is the problem, as I'm sure, rationally, that the above
> conclusion is erroneous, but my subconscious seems to believe it.
You believe it, you project it, vicious circle.
> And with each passing year, hope dies a little more. There is a
> whole part of life that I'm missing out on, and there seems to be
> nothing I can do about it- except do nothing, which I'm not very > good at at all.
Ah, you channel my younger self so well. ;-)
An otherwise socially immature friend of mine once remarkably came up with this gem out of nowhere: "No man can walk with someone else till he can walk comfortably by himself" - and it's true. The key to this is being happy with yourself and projecting that to people. Eventually you'll meet a nice lass with the same interests that is actually mature enough to aprechiate someone as socially sophisticated as you are.
In the meantime my personal advice (nb, free advice is always worth what you pay for it) is not to join things like dating sites, etc. They are (a) just very tawdrey and depressing and (b) full of the sort of women who, trust me, you couldn't stand.
All of my relationships and at least 90% of the solid relationships my friends have have stared out by meeting friends-of-friends. Meeting people socially club/party/pub/game/club/etc rocks even if it's just meeting new friends (of both sexes). Go out, be social and don't look for anything more. The vast majority of my relationships have arrive completely out of the blue to me as I simply treated them as I would any other potential new friend and was just "being myself".
Two pieces of hard won and painful advice I can give (although I don't expect you to take):
1) If you do meet someone and shortly after decide you like them "like that" but don't ask them out within a couple of weeks then don't ever do it - try to move on. If it's so complex that you can't even talk to them about stuff then it's not going to work. Remember - it's about being relaxed and being yourself.
2) If you meet someone that you're not sure whether you like "like that" or not and end up seeing them a lot socially (especially on their own) and neither of you has said anything after 4-6 weeks then your chance is blown. Now you're in her heart as the-sensitive-friend-I-can-cry-on-the-shoulder-of (as I was for a large number of people over the years).
*pause* - I do appologise for the huge reply to this. You must have just struck a chord I guess. Know this though - I got my first girlfriend at 24, over the preciding ten years I got rejected by a lot of women overwealmingly because I was already 'too close a friend'. I'm 31 and I think I have just hooked up with the person that might be "the one" for me - they are out there.
> I dunno.
Admission of ignorance is always the very best place to start.
Re: Enormous reply (1)
But thankyou for taking the time to respond to some drunken ramblings...I'll be better again after the New Year, and worse again come my 25th birthday :-(. Assuming nothing has changed, of course. Ah well, we shall have to see...